How To Announce Separation To Children
Graham Greene, British critic and writer, said “there is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets in the future”. Although it is real, this door sometimes opens too soon. It is for this reason that we parents do not necessarily know how to announce a separation. Indeed, the children are too small and innocent and we do not wish to bring them prematurely into the future.
A separation is a delicate situation which also affects the little ones. One of the main concerns of parents when they separate is how to tell their children about their breakup. When should it be done? What words to use? And above all, how to answer the questions they are going to ask? Psychologist Monica Cruz, an expert on the issue, offers us the keys necessary to adequately announce a separation to children.
Have a prior agreement
It is important for the parents to have a prior agreement. Both partners should know what to say to the children and make the announcement together whenever possible. For this, it is important to train beforehand and not to leave room for improvisation.
Whatever the circumstances, if the situation becomes complex, it is important not to lose your calm. In fact, if one of the partners loses his peace, it is better to end the conversation and resume it later.
Tell children the truth
It is better not to lie. A child is generally egocentric (especially before the age of 6 or 7), so he can tend to feel guilty. For this reason, it is important to have a concrete and clear explanation that prevents the child from inventing an excuse drawn from his imagination because he lacks information.
Putting safety first
It is not an easy time, but it is important for children to feel secure in their parents’ words. This is the perfect way to let them know that the decision is final.
Cruz advises explaining to the children that when they got together, the parents loved each other very much and created a family with all the love in the world. However, with the passage of time, they no longer get along as well and consider that they can no longer be happy together.
Don’t criticize the other
It is not necessary to criticize the other. We can refer to certain situations experienced recently, or to common arguments in recent times, but we must not insult or make the partner feel guilty.
If we go into devaluation, we simply make the situation more difficult. It is information which does not add anything, which can be misinterpreted by the child and which can even create tension. You have to forget phrases like “He / she wants me to go” or “He / she abandons me” for example.
Explain that everything has been tried
It is not a bad idea to tell the little ones that everything has already been tried. Both parents tried to maintain the family union by solving their problems, but in the end it was not possible to arrive safely.
It is a way of making children understand that the decision is not impulsive. If they believe it is, they may think the decision is reversible. It is therefore important to speak the truth with certainty in order to make them understand that after a period of reflection, a conclusion has been reached and that it is the best solution for the well-being of all.
Other details to consider
From there, it is necessary to make children understand that:
- They have nothing to do with the situation. It just didn’t turn out the way the parents hoped.
- They can cry and express their emotions, they don’t have to act like it’s nothing happened.
- It is important for parents to ask the views of children. They can even ask them if they were expecting it and if they had noticed the change in situation in recent times. Thus, one avoids creating erroneous ideas.
- Of course, it is important to explain what will happen in the immediate future. We must affirm the fact that the family will always be a family, that time will be spent with mum and dad, etc. Thus, the uncertainty disappears.
- Finally, it is important to make sure that the children have understood everything. If they have questions, it is important that they ask them.
Logically, announcing a separation to children is not easy and their reactions can be very diverse. Denial, anger, silence… Whatever the situation, it is important that they understand that their parents will always be there for them, together or apart.
Our thoughts Children can react in different ways when their parents are separated or divorced.
