Listening Without Empathy: Emotional Disconnection

Listening without empathy is like looking without seeing. It’s letting our face say yes while our mind is absent, disconnected, and emotionally distant from the person we’re talking to. Few skills are as essential as communication and empathetic listening to build strong and meaningful relationships. They involve knowing how to connect with the eyes, the feelings and the will.

A few months ago, Yale University psychologist, cognitive scientist Paul Bloom, toured the world after controversial comments about empathy. According to him,  this dimension has almost nothing positive. However, to understand what he meant through these terms, it is necessary to deepen his message.

According to Professor Bloom, behind this dimension, we sometimes find an act of cryptic falsehood. For example, a person can show empathy towards what his / her partner explains to him but not be really interested. In other words, we are all able, in some way, to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and act, after that, with complete indifference.

Therefore, we might conclude that  empathy is of little use if no proactive attitude follows it. Genuine awareness and an active attitude towards the person in front of us is necessary. What’s more, as Professor Bloom points out, some people sometimes exhibit particular behaviors when they show empathy. However, they do not act to help others but to feel good about themselves.

All this therefore invites us to refine a little more the idea that we have of this characteristic. It is not enough to be there, to feel things and to show that we understand the reality of the other. This feeling and this connection must be actively manifested.

Listening without empathy, a sadly habitual behavior

Listening without empathy is more common than we might think. What’s more, sometimes we tend to ritualize our daily interactions so much that we fail to perceive this lack of emotional connection, the one we unknowingly transmit to the person in front of us.

A very typical example is one of those moms and dads who respond almost automatically when their kids explain something to them. Phrases as banal as “ yes, this drawing is very beautiful”  or  “is it true? It is very interesting ”  when they pick them up from school or when they are busy doing other things while the children are trying to tell them everything they have done.

These dynamics do not mean that we do not love our children, far from it. They only mean that  sometimes we don’t have time to be present and that we limit ourselves to listening without empathy  because life is a real chaos, because our days push us to have our minds elsewhere.

Non-empathetic responses that hinder emotional connection

We have all had this feeling before. The one we feel when we speak with someone who is absent, who says yes to us by nodding his head while his thoughts are light years away from us. It is also usual for another type of situation to take place, one where we are given a response, comment or reflection which, instead of helping us, acts like walls. Like fences that block any emotional connection.

Here they are:

• Answer-tip:  here’s what you should do …
• Emphatic personal response:  You’re exaggerating, it’s nothing at all!
• Corrective:  what you say is absolutely false …
• Question:  why do you say / think / do this?
• Answer-excuse:  I know you are worried but I cannot help you because …

As we see,  with these type of responses, we realize that sometimes it is better for the person not to say anything. In addition to listening without empathy, we often add another problem: issuing responses that break empathic understanding.

Cultivate genuine empathy and an active attitude

We can all be (and surely will be) empathetic people. Studies like the one conducted by Dr Anthony David of the Institute of Psychiatry at DeCrespigny Park, London, show us that it is possible to measure empathy and obtain our own empathic coefficient.

If we did, we would probably realize one thing: we all have this dimension. However, we often fail in one of its key dimensions: social skills. In other words,  we are empathetic, but we are not using this skill effectively. This sometimes leads us to listen without empathy, to understand the other but to respond inappropriately. The other person therefore has the impression that we do not really understand them. It is therefore necessary to keep the following keys in mind.

How to use empathy effectively

• Empathy takes time. We must learn to be present, without haste and without excuses.
• The empathetic attitude is first of all based on the look. We need to look at the other without judging, showing closeness and affection.

• Second, we need to know how to respond. Criticisms, judgments or “ me, in your place, I would have…”  never help.
• Empathy needs, above all, to be proactive. The one who shows that he understands but does nothing deceives the other and fails. Making people believe that we are important and then being indifferent leaves traces and hurts.

In conclusion, we should not think that we are all experts in this matter. We always have things to learn, to improve in the daily practice of empathy. So let’s start with ourselves to offer the best we have to others and take care of our relationships. Because they are real treasures.

Our thoughts