The Importance Of Self-esteem In Choosing A Mate
We’ve all heard it said that we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves. But achieving love for yourself is not easy. For that we have to work to get to know each other well. It involves understanding our beginnings and our life story, learning from it and, most difficult, accepting it. It is also fundamental to keep in mind the importance of our levels of personal knowledge and self-esteem in choosing a mate.
We may be aware of the benefits of loving yourself. However, we cannot learn to do this without doing personal work, without observing examples and models that allow us to recognize different forms of emotional connection. According to research by neurologist, psychiatrist and writer Boris Cyrulnik, this requires trying to observe different people and affective styles throughout our lives.
Indeed, the different ways of loving help us not to identify love, indifference or hatred with a specific form of behavior. Knowledge that opens our minds and enriches our personality.
Types of couple
We learn to interact with others from the first years of our life. First of all with our parents and the rest of the family. They are our first example of an emotional bond. We observe and learn how they treat us and how they relate to each other from the first minute.
We are gradually expanding our social circle. As we grow up, we meet more people, until we make our first choice of mate and, with him, our first relationship.
Boris Cyrulnik affirms that our childhood will determine the emotional bond that we will establish with our romantic partners. According to him, there are different types of couples. They can be summed up in three types: the couple in which the two reinforce each other, the couple in which one harms each other, and the couple in which the two hurt each other.
The couple formed by two people who reinforce each other lasts longer. He has a better quality of life, both together and separately. In addition, this exchange of reinforcements contributes positively to everyone’s health. It improves their emotional balance and their sense of humor. So this is the only form of couple that deserves to be reaffirmed.
The other two types of couples, where the damage is present in a unidirectional or bidirectional way, should be the subject of an attempt to transform them in one way or another. This may be by changing negative attitudes or by searching for a new meaning that will lay the foundation for a healthier relationship. It is advisable to consider leaving the relationship if this readjustment is not possible.
It’s important to mention, however, that sometimes we need to feel secure to get out of a relationship. That is why we may seek support from other people. This can lead to looking for a new spouse before the relationship ends. The person will thus not benefit from any in-depth learning about what has been lived. She will therefore be likely to make the same mistakes in the context of this new relationship.
We don’t need a half
The choice of spouse is made unconsciously. It is based on everything that has been learned through our history. The personal moment we find ourselves in is also essential. We will not be able to choose a suitable spouse who allows us to have a mutually reinforcing relationship if we do not make an effort to improve and get to know each other.
A spouse cannot completely cover all of our needs. So to hold onto that idea and wait for it to happen is just a utopia, a constant source of frustration. We also need to interact with other human beings and have different kinds of rewarding relationships.
One of the most dangerous beliefs we have about relationships is that we don’t think of ourselves as whole beings. This thought leads us to a misconception about love. We see it as an emotion that can achieve anything. We therefore cease to be realistic and to perceive the limits of what all healthy love brings. The choice of spouse will have a strong chance of becoming a bond supported by addiction and fear.
Distinguish between suffering and love
Our beliefs and ways of acting are not only determined by what we observe in our immediate environment. We are also exposed to a lot of social stereotypes. They are rigid molds leading us to think, wrongly, that the world is adapting.
The media significantly influence our behavior through the stereotypes they reinforce. Television, cinema, music or literature give us a lot of information. We must nonetheless see if this information is complex, adjusted and adequate. Both the Prince Charming myth and the most popular books and movies champion the idea that love and suffering go hand in hand.
It seems that the more members of a couple argue, the less well they treat each other. Moreover, the more impossible their love is and the more opposition they encounter, the more they love each other. So that we end up listening and expressing, from an early age, phrases such as “those who argue hit each other, desire each other” or “who loves chastises well”. We therefore dream of living impossible or secret loves. Loves in which intensity is privileged at the expense of quality. We forget that this can lead to a choice of mate based on romantic fantasies rather than reality and daily needs.
In addition, all these ideas lead us to acquire a specific role within the couple and in relationships in general. A learned role that can oppress our true selves, our true thoughts, feelings and desires. It is not easy to break with preconceived ideas, to reconstruct this role for which it seems that we are programmed. It is still possible.
Be happy with yourself
The erroneous social concepts inherent in a relationship (sentimental, but also in any other domain, such as friendship) can lead to a bad choice of mate and to emotional dependence. A situation in which we forget our right to be people with their own identity and independence.
To strengthen our “immune-emotional system”, it is necessary to know and love each other. The choice of spouse can thus be made so as to find the one who will increase our happiness. The preliminary step, before trying to find happiness with another, is to find it in solitude.
The choice of spouse based on maturity
Finally, it is important to keep in mind that members of a couple should respect each other. They must also be able to choose, freely and not for reasons of necessity or dependence, to be together. This new perspective will make us have a spouse because we will build a relationship, because, although we may be alone, we prefer to be with each other, and not because we wish to fill the void we feel with love. from another person.
Choosing your mate from the heart, taking into account our own needs and desires, will make a mutually reinforcing relationship possible . Achieving this type of dynamic, however, depends on both members of the couple.
