When Your Feelings Hurt: The Importance Of Emotional Expression
If your feelings hurt you frequently or intensely, and you don’t react, you will break down more each day. Because the one who resists the most, who is the quietest and who contains what he feels is not the strongest. Strong is the one who gives himself permission to express his emotions and needs by setting limits. However, we know it is not easy, but protecting our feelings is an exercise in mental hygiene and health.
We often hear that there is nothing more difficult than being an adult. We come to that stage in life where suddenly things like work, economy, family and personal growth become chaos in which we try to keep ourselves afloat. However, we forget that in reality the most relevant life cycle of human beings is their childhood and adolescence.
It is during these early stages that we receive the most valuable lessons. One of the most important is undoubtedly the one that relates to our emotional skills. Think about it for a moment: in our childhood, did anyone teach us to differentiate an emotion from a feeling? Have we been taught to be assertive, to recognize our emotional needs, and to know how to communicate them effectively?
The reality is that these learnings do not always take place effectively. Thus, we reach middle adulthood, vulnerable and very sensitive to the dynamics of an environment that is not always easy. Sometimes even the most significant people can hurt us at any time… What to do in these cases?
When your feelings hurt: the keys to assertiveness
When your feelings hurt you, you usually react in two ways: by staying silent or by responding on the spot in anger, grievance and outrage. However, everything becomes a little more complicated when those who cross this invisible line of respect are loved ones : our partner, a relative, a friend and even our boss.
In these situations, there are many reservations. How to dare? How can I tell her that she hurt me without losing my calm, without being aggressive, while delivering a clear and unequivocal message? Emotional communication is definitely one thing that we have left hanging in the air and we need to work on it. Here are some keys that might help us.
Decipher the emotion you feel in order to be able to defend yourself with confidence
In a study published in the journal Nature, the famous neurophysiologist Antonio Damasio reminds us of the importance of knowing how to differentiate an emotion from a feeling. First of all, an emotion is a set of chemical and neural responses that one feels in the presence of a stimulus. Our body is the first to feel the impact of something that alters our homeostasis, our internal balance.
- Second, it is the mind that translates this emotion into a feeling. When we are able to translate what we are feeling into thoughts, the feeling arises. What is the implication of this process when someone makes us vulnerable, criticizes or offends us?
- We have an obligation to decipher this emotion. So when you feel that knot in your stomach, that racing or burning heart in your chest, stop and translate. Don’t shut him up, don’t tell yourself it’s nothing. Make an effort to name what you are feeling, and to identify and clarify your feelings.
“I feel…”, the courage to declare your feelings through assertive communication
Once we have given a name to these feelings within us (humiliation, indignation, pain, disappointment, sadness, feeling of disappointment…) the next step will be to move on to communication. To do this, we must keep in mind the personal pronoun “I”.
In our routine, it may be difficult for us to start our sentences with this pronoun. However, in assertiveness and emotional communication it is highly needed. So, if you feel hurt, do not hesitate to follow the following practice:
- “ I felt humbled when you made that comment. You may have done it without your knowledge, but I ask you to keep this in mind and not to repeat it. “
- “ I feel that the decision you made has disappointed me. You didn’t take me into account, you didn’t ask me for anything. “
When your feelings hurt you, it promotes emotional responsibility
If your feelings are hurting you, there is one thing you need to keep in mind: stand up for yourself, clarify, and lay the emotional foundation necessary so that it doesn’t happen again. To do this, we need to invite the other person to exercise their emotional responsibility with us. What does that mean ? Here are some keys to better understand this process and successfully complete it:
- First of all, we need to establish an emotional responsibility agreement with ourselves. If someone hurts you, the responsibility falls on them. If the same person hurts you again and you have protected yourself, the responsibility becomes yours. A responsibility that does not make you guilty for all that.
- In return, we need to make the other person aware of their attitude. We will make him understand that any relationship requires respect and responsibility. What happened cannot happen again. We will learn from what happened and strive to create more empathetic, human and meaningful interactions.
In conclusion, we must point out one very important thing to you: these processes take time. Learning to assert yourself and to manage your emotions in order to communicate effectively, is something that is obtained through practice. Therefore, remember that if your feelings are hurt, apply these strategies: you will quickly notice changes in your inner life.
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