Where Does The Pain That Comes With Love Come From?

To love is to support, to love is to hold, to love sometimes involves suffering, to love is to give without measure… Here is everything that we have been told since we were little about love, in addition to all the pressures that have triggered in us the desperate search for a spouse so as not to be left alone. Otherwise, we are in danger of missing out on life. In all of this there is something that we have not been told, perhaps because no one believes it: loving without pain is possible. And even more: it is true love.

Sometimes this rush to find love means that we don’t consciously choose it. In fact, maybe we don’t even choose it: our spouse will be the first person we meet on the street and who accepts this role. Also, if we have low self-esteem and don’t give ourselves the value we deserve, this disastrous attitude is even more likely. Being in a relationship is not an end in itself, it is not synonymous with happiness. Sometimes it becomes a real ordeal, very difficult to bear.

“When we expect the other person to make us happy, it is obvious that we will be anything but happy.”

Why am I always being hurt?

Maybe you’ve already asked yourself the question. If you think it’s all bad luck, that the worst people are drawn to you, or that no one will ever love you, you are wrong. The reason you always end up with the same person profile is because you choose them or at least give them access to you from the start. Think about it. Have you ever rejected someone you liked a lot?

Maybe you have very low self-esteem, maybe you settle for the first person who settles on you. Either way, you can interpret the fact that you are being harmed in another way, by thinking about how you are harming yourself. Why don’t you give yourself the value you deserve? Why do you put this strip on your eyes when someone says nice words to you and how much you enchant them?

We should change that caption and write it this way: “Why do I hurt myself all the time?” or “Why do I let others hurt me?”

You have surely had experiences with these words which fall into oblivion and which are not coherent with the acts which follow. These words that dazzle to the point of blindness, which take you away from reality and which plunge you into a dream where the partner becomes the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life, and who will make you happy … You will give everything for him / her, you will fight for this relationship. But who said love is a constant struggle?

“If you enter a relationship giving 50% and you accept that the other person gives 20%, don’t ask them to give more over time because they won’t be able to.”

Giving your all for a relationship, while the other person gives 25% or less will make you doubt, over time, how they feel about you. You will wear out, you will stop thinking about yourself, you will no longer take care of yourself, you will not wear the clothes you love anymore unless you see that person. You will always be dependent on her, you will want to please her, please her… And you always wonder why we end up hurting you?

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Choose consciously, painless love is possible

Loving without pain is possible if you stop understanding this relationship as logical or necessary. If you stop thinking that love is and is reduced to pain, to effort, to struggle, to enduring, to giving everything for the other… Because to love without pain, you must know above all whatever you want, but above all to learn how to be happy without anyone other than yourself.

If you’re on your own, you’re good to go with someone else. Because you know that if the relationship goes away or doesn’t work out, you will be fine and that you can continue to be happy. Because you were before that person came into your life.

Once you know what you want, that you know your values, that you have discovered the limits which no one should exceed, it is the time to choose consciously. This person who dedicates nice words to you, is this really the one you want by your side? Let yourself be carried away by the emotion and the initial madness, but don’t be fooled. Do not burden yourself with unrealistic expectations and hopes for the future. Do not think: “It will change”. Choose a person for their present and not for the way you imagine them in the future.

At first, you will think that you are too nitpicky or demanding. Many people around you will tell you that if you follow this path, you will not find anyone to be with. But, at this point, you know very well that it does not matter. Because being with someone is not an essential condition to feel good.

The best relationship you can build with someone is one in which you each contribute 50%. Only then can you have common goals, not from need, but from respect and freedom.

We often confuse love with possession, with suffering and giving everything…. This magnificent feeling has become cloudy, and sometimes involves torment. We enter relationships giving 100% while the other person gives less than half and then we wait for them to change. We get so attached to her that when she wanders away in search of some air to breathe, we get nervous and fear that she will abandon us.

Loving without pain is possible when we learn to treat the partner like someone independent from us, like a person who entered our life, but who can leave or move away. Like a friend, a brother or a sister. Our life, our happiness does not depend on whether or not someone is by our side. Because the only person on whom we can count until the end of our days is unique: it is ourselves.

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Images of Aykut Aydogdu